That

My house husbandry reached a crisis today on account of something called "that".

I'm enjoying my second cup of coffee this morning when the CFO queries, "How can we ever expect to sell the house with "that" on the counter?"

I'm looking over the general area at which she is pointing but see nothing but a surgically clean countertop. "What" I ask?

"That".

I study the area from above and from the side at all elevations and in all directions but cannot see "that" or anything else, for that matter. What am I looking for? A cricket, maybe?

There was the matter of the cricket in the downstairs bath last week. At that time I was informed ladies will not buy a house with a cricket in the bathtub and it had to removed. I suggested, alternatively, that crickets in the bathtub might be a positive selling point to men who could use them to go fishing for goldfish in the pond out back. My argument was apparently not terribly convincing (indeed, fruitless, you might say) and I went down to the bath and found a spider the size of a cricket in the tub. I explained to this poor, unfortunate spider that its forthcoming death was necessary because women would not buy houses with spiders that looked like crickets in the bathtub. Then I flushed it down the toilet and its remains are now floating somewhere down the Neuse River.

But, I digress.

There was, however, neither a cricket nor a spider on the counter. A dead cockroach? I could surely see one of those. An ant? Nope. My guess is that "that" might have been something akin to flea dandruff but its identification would have required me to call in an SBI crime scene investigator and I don't think they will do an investigation on the basis of little more than an accusation of bad house husbandry.

Whatever "that" is, it can apparently appear not only on countertops but also floors and all kinds of horizontal surfaces and I can see "that" on none of 'em.

"But", I complained hopelessly, "I can see nothing anywhere."

"Well, women can. If you cannot see "that", I guess I'll just have to have the house cleaners come in again."

Now, folks, that was a really low blow. What we have here is a full-time house husband with a PhD being replaced by a bunch of illegal immigrants who cannot speak English. And, they don't even do the laundry or have dinner ready when the CFO arrives home in the evenings! But, alas, they apparently have the ability to see "that".

Is the ability to see "that" genetically linked and only females can see "that" with the naked eye? Can I buy a pair of glasses with special lenses that will reveal "that" under ultraviolet light? Is there a course entitled something like "That: How to See and Remove It" that I can take at the local community college? Is there a special cleaner (named That Away! no doubt) for "that" that I can buy that will remove "that" without the need for actually seeing "that"?

Help! I am a desperate house husband without a clue of what to do about "that".

Please.